


The pain is real again

by Gwenfanatic



Category: Shefani
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-08-28 22:52:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8466022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gwenfanatic/pseuds/Gwenfanatic
Summary: Can they survive one of the worst things a couple can go through? Can't the survive heart break yet again?





	1. White House trip

My lips meet his. It doesn't matter how many times we have kissed there is just something about kissing him. There is a literal spark between us every time our lips meet. We start out sweet and soft but need begins to take over and things get heated very quickly. I open my lips allowing his tongue into my mouth. Our tongues dance around each other. His hands wonder over my lower back and around to my breasts. He knows that's what gets me really going, not to mention how much he likes them. Me I move my hands to his hair and pull ever so slightly. I feel him shiver as a moan escapes his lips. Next thing I know my back is against the wall of the hotel and my fishnets are being ripped off, good thing I brought more than one pair. I wrap a leg around his waist as he grinds his growing manhood against me. Both of our breathing is becoming ragged. I can't stand it anymore. I reach down and undo his belt, unbutton his pants, and pulling his pants down. He picks me up and both my legs wrap around his waist. He carries me to the bed and lays me down. His hands roam all over my body. My face, my arms, my breast, and stop right at my hips where my thong starts. He loops his fingers in my thong and pulls them off. I gasp as he dips his finger inside me. 

"Oh Gwen your so wet baby girl." 

I reach my hands to his waist as he pumps his fingers in and out of me. He pulls his finger out just as I'm about to fall over the edge. I grunt in disappointment and he laughs as he helps me get his underwear off. Slowly he pushes himself inside me. It's bliss. It's like he is made for me, sculpted just for me. He is still for a minute allowing me to adjust to his size. He is so big I'm literally stretched to the limits. Nothing has ever felt so good. Slowly the rhythm starts. I grunt at the first few thrusts from pain but the good kind. The kind I crave when he is near me. He stops dead in his tracks as the grunts escape my lips. 

"Gwen did I hurt you? Are you ok? Was I to rough? Baby talk to me! I'm sorry!" 

"Blake I'm ok cowboy, in fact I have never been better. No stop freaking out and fuck me please." 

That's all it takes. We both move and grind until we are falling over the edge screaming each other's names. We lay on the bed trying to catch our breaths. He is hold me and I have never been more content in my life. I have never felt so loved, so treasured. 

"Cowboy we have 30 minutes to get ready again. We have to hurry."

"You mean you have to hurry baby girl. I can be ready in ten" he laughs

I slap his chest playfully and I get up to get ready for the second time.  
...............................................................................................................................................  
I'm in the bathroom finishing up the last details to make everything perfect. The president and Italian prime minister is a big deal. I'm slightly nervous. I think I've fixed my lips 1000 times. I decided to stick with my normal red color, partly because that's become my signature, but mostly because I know how much Blake likes the red. He tells me I'm beautiful regardless but I know he likes the red the best because he is always extra touchy. I'm still waiting for the the right time to tell Blake. I was going to tell him this morning but things got a little carried away. Now isn't the time. I want things to go smoothly tonight and Blake needs to be my rock. 

"Gwen are you coming? We are going to be late." 

I walk out and Blake's jaw literally drops. I see an all to familiar look in his eyes. I walk over put a finger under his chin and lift it closed. I place my arms around his neck and his arms wrap around my waist. I could stand there all day looking into his eyes. 

"Talk to me baby girl. I can tell you have stuff on you mind."

"It's just tonight is a big deal. Like a REALLY big deal and I don't want to screw it up ya know."

"It always baffles me."

"What?" 

"The fact that you can't see how amazing you are. Gwen you have nothing to worry about. You mesmerize every audience you preform for. Stop doubting yourself. Trust me when I tell you your amazing and everything is going to be perfect." 

It's then we here the knock at the door and Lolo telling us it's time to go. He bends down and puts a kiss on my forehead. We grab our coats and head out to the dinner.  
............................................................................................................................................... 

Blake's hand is around my wait the whole night until it's time for me to preform. It never fails to blow my mind the effect this man has on me. Since he has placed his hand around my waist I haven't felt an ounce of fear or nerves. I have felt protected and safe but the minute I realize I'm stepping up their alone the nerves hit and hit hard. So I turn and look at my handsome cowboy and he winks at me. That's all I needed, well that and knowing his arms would be waiting for me the minute I come off the stage. I find that cocky diva persona I'm know for and slay the stage. However the minute I exist the stage I fall into my cowboys arms. They tighten around me and I'm once again in my safe place. 

"I told you sunshine. You were amazing as always." He tells me as I snuggle in his arms

"I love you cowboy" I whisper in his ear

We spot the governor of NY and his date chef Saundra Lee. We walk over to them, Blake's arm still wrapped around my waist. We get wrapped into a conversation but I can tell Blake feels a little out of place now, as he first kisses my temple. When he is nervous he is more touchy. Next he places his hand on my stomach. I almost stop mid-sentence. Does he know? How could he? This is killing me. I'm determined to tell him tonight. He needs good news just as much as I needed it. As long as it is good news for him, I think it will be.


	2. New house? Big step!

We are laying in bed after two rounds of mind blowing sex. My arms are wrapped around him and my head on his chest. I can hear his heart beating. I can hear him breathing. 

"Blake" 

"Yeah baby girl" 

"I'm pregnant" 

He half sits up now to look at me. A look after fear in his eyes. I thought he would be happy I don't get it. How can a man I love and clearly loves me more that any other man I've been with, be scared to have a baby with me. Suddenly I realize he isn't scared of having a baby he is scared I'm lying. I sit up now grabbing his face in both my hands.

"Blake I'm being serious, I'm pregnant." 

"Really but how?" 

"Do I really need to tell u how Blake Shelton?"

"No not like that. I know HOW it happened. But I though having kids wasn't an option for us?"

"I didn't think it was. I thought I was to old to have kids" 

"I'm gonna be a dad. I'm gonna be a dad! IM GONNA BE A DAD!!!!!!" 

I have never seen him smile so big. It's a whole different kind of happiness. He grabs me and pulls me into a hug. We sit there holding each other not believing the blessings we are receiving. We both went through literal hell to get here, and this moment right here makes every single second of it worth it. Having a man I know loves me more than himself, three boys, a new album, a tour, and now a baby. I feel like the most blessed person ever. Blake scoots back and sits against the headboard. I scoot back beside him leaning on him, my head on his shoulder. 

"Gwen?" 

"Yeah cowboy?" 

"You still have two shows to do before the tour is over and blinds to tape. Is that gonna be to much? Shouldn't you ya know take it easy?" He as hesitantly as though he isn't allowed to say what he is saying

"I love you cowboy."

"Your not mad I asked you that?"

"No I'm not mad! Why would I be mad?" I ask then I remember his ex, she would have gotten mad. 

"Babe I'm not mad. I promise. It's nice to have someone who cares enough to ask? I will be fine Babe. This time is the most normal I'm gonna be the hole time."

We both laugh as we cuddle back down into bed. We both need sleep before we head back home tomorrow with our three boys. 

"Good night sunshine. I love you."

"Good night cowboy. I love you too." I say place one last peck on his lips before drifting off to sleep.

\----Blake's POV----

I'm laying in bed, my girl in my arms. How did I get here. How did I go from a marriage I was alone in, to a relationship that I couldn't be happier in all in the span of a year and a half. Just when I feel like life can't possibly get any better, she tells me we are having a baby. She fought me so hard in the beginning, saying I should be with someone who could give me the baby I want. Time and time again I told her I didn't need a baby, that what I needed was her. That was so very true but I'm so happy about this baby I can't calm myself! I have never been more blessed.  
...............................................................................................................................................  
"Are you sure your ready for this Gwen. It's a big step. I get it if your not."

"Blake I have to sell this house. It's part of the divorce agreement."

"That's not what I asked you Gwen." 

"Blake, I love you. I'm having your baby, yes I'm ready. I'm ready for us to have a place that's just ours. Not a place filled with memories of my ex, heartbreak, my broken family, my failure." 

I look at my feet as tears come down my face. My failure to be a good wife, to keep my husband happy, my failure to give my kids a father and mother that loves them and each other. They haven't seen their father in weeks. He took a job in an another country. How do you tell two boys that their father has walked out on them? How? My thoughts are spiraling in my head as I fall further and further in that hole. 

"Gwen, Gwen, GWEN" I look up and see the sadness and love in his eyes. 

"Gwen baby, please don't go down that road. There was nothing you could have done to change the way things happened. It's all on him, not you."

"I know that but it sure doesn't make it easier to accept you know." 

"I know baby" he pulls me into his embrace and I melt. I fall apart on him. And he just holds me. Arms wrapped around me in a protective embrace. When he holds me the world disappears and it's just him and I.   
........................  
We pull up to the first house and right away I know it isn't a fit for us. The location is wrong and the house looks to modern. My last house was modern but that's not where I am anymore. I like homey, country, Blakey type homes not this modern typical LA home. We move on and pull up to the next home. It's huge but I can tell by Blake's face he already loves this house. We go inside and immediately my breath is taken away. It's the perfect mix of a ranch style house and your typical LA style house. It's like this house was made for us. It's just far enough out of the city but close enough to the boys school. Blake and I explore the house alone as the agent had to take a phone call. We walk into one room and Blake looks at me, we both say "King". We walk to the next and immediately know it perfect for Apollo. The next is decided to be the nursery for our new baby. The next room we see is the master, obviously Blake and I's room. I'm walking through the space when I feel his hands wrap around my waist. He flips me to face him planting his lips on mine before I even know what happening. I melt into his arms. Our bodies are flush against each other. I reach my hands to his butt and squeeze. He moans and I shove my tongue down his throat. Our tongues dance back and forth. His hands suddenly let go of my waist and I feel him go for the buttons on my pants. I grab his hands and still them.

"Blake we can't do that here! The realtor is down stairs!" 

"Come on sunshine I can be quick. Besides she is still on the phone. Come on babe? Please!"

I smile and giggle as I remove my hands from him, letting him have his way. Next thing I know my jeans are being pushed down and his mouth is back devouring mine. He pins me up against the wall, his hands wondering to my breast as he messages them. My head goes back against the wall as I moan. He takes advantage as his mouth is on my neck in seconds. One hand now leaves my breasts and moves my panties aside, dipping a finger inside me. The second he does that my legs start to give out and he wraps his free hand around my waist holding me up. My hands go to his belt as I undo it and his pants pushing all of it down giving me access to his growing member. I stroke his length making sure he is ready. He pulls my underwear more to the side as he positions himself between my legs. I wrap a leg around his waist giving him better access. In one quick thrust he enters me. It takes all I have not to scream as he continues to forcefully slam into me. He lives up to his word as we both explode within seconds. 

We just finish getting ourselves put back together when the realtor walks into the room. I'm blushing at what we just did, but Blake is as chill as can be. We walk and look at the rest of the rooms, including the one we decide would be perfect for Zuma. We all turn and head down stairs. We are walking behind her so I steal a kiss while she isn't looking. Blake grins from ear to ear as we get downstairs and tell her we want this house.


	3. Overwhelmed

We finally are totally moved into the new house. The boys absolutely love it. To say life is crazy is an understatement. Thank god I have Lizzy to help me keep my life together. This week I have tapings of the voice to do and my last two shows of my tour are this weekend. Not to mention the Halloween carnival at the boys school. It's a lot on my plate, but I know I'll get through it all I always do. Blake is being very over protective of me since I told him about the baby. He wouldn't let me help with the move other than to tell everyone where things should go. I know it's cause he cares but I'm not used to it at all and I have been getting frustrated. Last night I went to bed mad at him and when I woke up he was already gone to work. I laid in bed and cried. My hormones, the boys, Gavin, the move, and now fighting with Blake. Saying I'm overwhelmed doesn't even begin to explain how I feel! Suddenly I hear a tiny knock and voice on the other side of my door.

"Momma. Bwakey . Up?" 

"I'm in here baby come in."

A curly haired little boy comes running in and jumps on the bed beside me. He breaks into a coughing fit. The doctor said it was just a virus, so we just take Tylenol and wait it out. He lays down and cuddles into me. One of my favorite things, the other involving a certain cute cowboy. Apollo looks to the bathroom...

"Bwakey momma?" Apollo looks at me concerned 

"Blakey had to go to work early baby." He starts to tear up and I know just how he feels. 

I hate that he left this morning without kissing me goodbye or letting me say sorry. He has been hounding me about getting enough sleep. I know that probably is the reason he didn't wake me up but I hate leaving things this way. 

"Momma I want Bwakey!" Tears are pouring down his face and my heart breaks

"You want to FaceTime him baby?"

"Pwease momma!"

I grab my phone off the side table and pull up his number. I hit the FaceTime button and wait for the ring. Part of me is scared he won't answer but part of me knows he would never miss a chance to see me even if we are mad. It rings a little longer than normal and my stomach sinks. 

"Hey sunshine! Did you sleep good babe?"

"Bwakey!!!!!!" Apollo yells behind his pacifier that I now take out of his mouth. 

"Hey little man!" His face lights up

"Miss you bwakey." Apollo pouts "come home pwease" 

"Aww buddy I have to work for a couple hours. I wish I could come home but I promise I'll come home right after work ok buddy?"

"Otay. Miss you." He leans forward and kisses the phone before he flops down on the bed

"Hey cowboy"

"Hey how's my sunshine?"

Tear start falling down my face "Blake I'm sorr.."

"Gwen shhh don't cry sunshine and don't you dare apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for!"

"But Blake I was a total jerk to you last night! I hate that we went to bed fighting and then I woke up and you were gone. I was so scared Blake."

"Gwen I am so sorry you thought I left. I would never leave you! You have a lot on your plate and your pregnant. Gwen you have every right to not be 100% all the time." 

"Blake I love you! More than you could possibly know"

"I have an idea cause that's exactly how much I love you Gwen! I gotta finish this recording sunshine, but I'll be home as soon as I can ok?" 

"Ok cowboy I'll be waiting" I tell him blowing a kiss  
...............................................................................................................................................  
I'm in the living room with the boys watching tv, when I hear the door open and the keys hitting the bowl. I jump up off the couch and round the corner. I surprise Blake by jumping into his arms. I missed him so much. Not sleeping cuddled together and then him working the bigger part of the day makes it seem like forever since I've been in his arms. We stand there in the doorway his arms around my waist and my arms as tight I can wrapped around his neck, my head stuffed into the crook of his neck. I could stand here the rest of the night, I'm back in my safe place. Next thing I know we are brought back to reality by a little voice coming our way. 

"Momma. Where you momma?"

"In here baby!" I tell him

"BWAKEY!!!!!!!!" He cries running to him as fast as he can 

He literally jumps into Blake's arms hugging him as tight as his little body will let him. 

"I told you I was gonna come home buddy. I ALWAYS keep my promises. Ok buddy? Always." Blake tells him, making tear pool in my eyes.

He is an amazing man. He came into the journey knowing I had kids and instead of being the "step-dad" he took it upon himself to be the father these kids deserve. To see the love my kids have for him and the love he has for the kids overflows my heart.

"Cowboy what are your thought on the boys spending the night with Jen and Todd?" 

Still holding Apollo, he smiles big and wraps his free hand around my waist kissing the top of my head. 

"I would be very happy about that!" He bends down and whispers in my ear "and I haven't had my way with you in a couple days. It's long over due!"

I just giggle and blush getting my phone out to text Jenn.   
..............................................................................................................................................  
Jenn just picked up the boys and I'm watching my cowboy cook us dinner. He sings while he is cooking and I absolutely love it. I'm literally the luckiest girl to have this man apart of my life. I was such a jerk last night and the look he gave me getting into bed. It kills me to know I put that hurt look on his face. I'm determined to make it up to him tonight. He is dishing the food onto the plates and carries them into the dinning room. 

"Blake baby I'm sorry about last night."

"Gwen I told you to forget about it you have nothing to apologize for."

"Babe yes I do. I was wrong to snap at you like I did. I'm even more sorry for letting us go to bed without saying sorry." 

"I slept horrible last night." He says looking at his plate 

I cup his cheek with my hand making him look at me "Cowboy I haven't slept that bad since you moved in. I was kicking myself all night for being so stubborn. All I wanted to curl up with you. Let's make a promise to each other Blake. Let's promise to never go to bed mad or upset with each other." 

"Deal sunshine. How bout we eat this up and make our way upstairs?"

"Sounds like the perfect idea!"   
...............................................................................................................................................  
Blake and I are in bed thing are getting hot and heavy and just as he is about to take me my phone rings. I huff but being a mom I know I have to look to see who it is. My mom senses kicking in, I knew before I saw that it was Jen and something was up. 

"Hello" 

"Hey Gwen something is wrong with Apollo. He is burning up and won't stop crying." 

"How long has he been like this?" I ask her getting up and pulling clothes on, Blake does the same as I know he can hear the conversation. 

"Like maybe a hour. He was a little warm right after we got here but it's only gotten worse. I knew he had that cough so I figured it was just viral but I'm not so sure now Gwen." 

"We will be there in 15 mins we are leaving now." I hang up. 

Blake grabs the keys as we sprint out the door. Sitting in the car we are holding hands, more like clinging to each other. We had gone to the doctor three days ago but they reassured us it was a virus but now mom instincts are telling me it worse. Blake looks over and sees the tears I can't hold back. He squeezes my hand...

"Gwen he is gonna be ok."

"I shouldn't have sent him to Jens. I should have know he was sicker than the doctors said. I'm his mom for gods sake." 

"Gwen you didn't see this coming, you couldn't have. We are going to him now and take care of him babe ok? He is gonna be ok." 

I wrap my arms around Blake's arm and hold on until we pull into Jens driveway. We both practically jump out of the car and head to the front door. Jen is already there with the door open. 

"Where is he?" I ask her needing to see my baby right now. 

"Todd has him in the living room." 

I go to my baby who bursts into sobs as soon as he sees me. Blake gets his bag, his pacifier and favorite blanket. We tell the other boys bye and that we will get them tomorrow, as we are leaving King grabs Blake's hand...

"Blake"

"Yeah buddy what's up?" We look at what has become our son and sees the fear and tears falling from his face.."aww buddy it's ok. We are taking him to the doctor. He is gonna be ok. I'm gonna make sure of that ok?" Blake reassures him

"Can you tell aunt Jen what's happening so she can tell us?"

"Of course buddy." Blake tells him wrapping him up in a hug  
..............................................................................................................................................


	4. How do they cope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me

As we pull into the er, Apollo continues to scream. We get out and Blake grabs Apollo. Apollo buries he face into Blake's neck wrapping his arms around his neck. They sit down and I go up to the desk to check in. Once checked in we sit and wait. Apollo is literally inconsolable. Blake has resorted to standing and rocking him, which seems to have relaxed him some. After what feels like forever they call our name and take us back to a room. There we wait some more for the doctor who finally comes in after 2 and a half hours of waiting. He exams Apollo and explains that he wants to run some blood work and get a chest X-ray. The doctor orders Tylenol, fluids, and a steroid breathing treatment. I text Jen and let her know what's going on and tell her to make sure she tells King first thing in the morning. My phone rings, a FaceTime call.....

"Mommy how is pollo?" 

"Kingston it's 11pm you should be in the bed!"

"I know but I couldn't sleep until I knew if pollo is ok"

"I know buddy. He is good he finally fell asleep on Blake's chest. The doctors don't know what's wrong yet but the medicine they gave him has helped. He is gonna be ok baby. You need to go to bed now King. Ok?"

"Yes. Goodnight mommy love you. Love you Blake and pollo." 

"Goodnight buddy" 

"Gwen, how is he?" My sister in law asks worry laced through her voice

"We don't know yet. They have given medicine and it's helping. He finally fell asleep on Blake's chest. We are waiting on blood work results as well as chest X-ray results. But he is at least sleeping now." 

"He really scared me Gwen. He is really sick." 

"He scared us to. We are both emotional wrecks but are fighting to hold it together for pollo." 

"Alright well keep me updated. I don't care what time of night it is. Do u need Todd to do anything else for you guys?" 

"No I think we are ok, but thank you so much for your help."

"Of course Gwen." I hang up the phone and put my face in my hands

"Gwen baby are you ok?" 

"Yeah I'm just tired cowboy. Not going to bed and being pregnant is making it really hard to stay awake just sitting here."

"Come here sunshine." Blake says sitting on the hospital bed with Apollo asleep on his chest. 

I crawl up into the bed with him and cuddle into Blake, my head on his shoulder. I feel my eyes get heavy and decide not to fight it.   
...............................................................................................................................................  
We were at the hospital with Apollo until 5 am and we had voice tapings today at 8. They said he has the croup and sent him home with steroids. My mom came and got Apollo at 7 to take him back to their house to sleep while Blake and I had to work. I got a couple of hours of sleep cuddling with my boys in the hospital bed but not nearly enough. Every break we have during tapings, I'm move to Blake's lap resting my head on his chest and close my eyes. At this point I don't care if I should be this forward on set I just need to sleep. We are in the middle of a taping sessions when I suddenly have a sharp cramping pain. Blake sees me collapse in on myself, and immediately yells for a break and runs to my chair. The pain doesn't last long before it fades away. After a ton of arguing with all the boys and even Alicia, we continue with the tapings.   
...............................................................................................................................................  
Finally they call break for lunch and I just want to head back to my trailer and lay down. The pain is gone but I just feel off now. Of course Blake is right behind me. As soon as we are in the trailer he looks at me...

"Gwen are you ok? What was that?"

"I don't know Blake. I just had a pain hit me and hit me hard." 

"Gwen is the baby ok?" 

"Everything is fine cowboy. The pain is gone and I feel fine." 

"I really think you need to take it easy. Let's tell them your sick and go home and get some sleep. We can finish taping another day." 

"Blake you know we can't do that. I'll be fine. Plus we have all day tomorrow off. Then my two shows." 

"You need to promise me something Gwen."

"What's that cowboy?" 

"Promise me if you don't feel good or have that pain again you will cancel your shows and tell me. That way we can go to the doctor."

"Cowboy everything is fine so we don't have to worry about that ok?"

"Even if everything is fine just promise me?"

"I promise baby if I feel like anything is wrong I will cancel." He places a sweet kiss on the side of my head. 

We spend the rest of our break eating and laying on the couch in my trailer. No one else knows I'm pregnant yet so when Alicia pulls me aside as we are walking in to resume tapping, I'm totally surprised. 

"Gwen are you ok? Are you both ok?"

"Yeah Blake and I are fine." Thinking it's so sweet she is checking on us

"Gwen that's not what I meant." My heart stops

"Is it that obvious already?" I say looking at my stomach not seeing any changes that I can tell

"I have never seen Blake move that fast!" We both laugh knowing it's true

"Yeah we are ok, I feel completely normal." We both head back in to get ready to start taping again.   
...............................................................................................................................................  
The next three days flew by crazy fast. My last two shows are over and so is the tour. I'm so depressed the tour is done. It was one of the best experiences. The kids and I just got home from picking them up at school. They are all sitting at the table doing homework. I went to my room to put on some sweatpants and to use the bathroom. The next thing I know I feel like my heart is literally being pulled out of my chest yet again. When I took my pants off I noticed the blood and when I got to the bathroom I realized how much blood. Something is very wrong but I don't need a doctor to tell me what's going on. I had been cramping all day and that combined with the amount of bleeding I'm having, I know I lost the baby. 

I lost Blake's baby. Our baby. It feels literally like someone reached inside my chest and literally squeezed my heart in their hands. The tears flow uncontrollably. I think about how I'm gonna tell Blake and how crushed he is gonna be. I cry even harder if that's possible. At this point I'm sobbing and can't control it. Blake isn't here and all I want is to curl up into him and disappear.   
...............................................................................................................................................  
Blake's POV  
I'm working at the studio recording some songs we have been playing around with. I'm planning to surprise everyone and pick up our favorite Italian food on the way home. Gwen has been way to busy this past week. She is constantly thinking of others before herself, and I keep trying to tell her that she is pregnant and needs to take it easy. She reassures me that she is fine and she will slow down now that the tour is over. I'm in the middle of a session when I see Kingston's iPad number come up on my phone. I yell cut and tell them I have to take this call. 

"Hey King what's up buddy everything ok?" 

"Blake something is wrong with mom. She is in your bathroom and she is crying." 

"Give her the Ipad King."

"She won't open the door Blake. I'm scared." 

"Everything is gonna be ok King I'm leaving the studio know and I'll be there as fast as I can." 

The look of fear and terror on his face is breaking my heart. I quickly tell the crew I have to leave and leave right now. My family is the most important thing and they all know that. I get in my truck keeping King on the phone while I drive there. I can hear Gwen sobbing and it's literally killing me. I'm driving as fast as one can drive in this damn city. King is trying to be brave but I can see the tears rolling down his face. 

"King have you guys had a snack yet?" I ask him trying to get his mind off of what's going on and give him a job to make him feel useful. 

"No not yet." 

"Ok I need you to be a man for me and go fix ur brothers something for snack and keep them in the living room so they don't have to know mom is upset ok. Can you do that buddy?"

I see him fix his face, wipe his tears, and straighten up. 

"Yeah I can do that." 

I tell him that I'm almost there and we hang up. I pull into the driveway, throwing the car in park and jumping out. As soon as I open the door King is standing right there. Right when he sees me he burst into tears. I pull him into a hug rubbing his back. I tell him I'm here now and that everything is going to be ok. Once he calms some I send him into the living room and I sprint up the steps to our room and to the bathroom door.

"Gwen, baby, it's me. Open the door please."


	5. True heart break

"Blake no you can't come in here." 

"Gwen baby come on what going on? I'm not going anywhere so you might as well let me in." 

I hear the door lock pop and the door slowly cracks. My heart breaks as I see her sitting on the floor in front of the sinks. Her face is buried in her hand resting on her knees. Seeing her bawled up like this tears falling and sobs wracking her body breaks me as I feel the tears well up in my own eyes. I bend and sit down beside her. I don't ask questions or push her, instead I pull her into my lap and just hold her. Her head falls to my chest, her face buried, fists clenching my shirt. I can feel my shirt becoming wet with her tears. I wrap my arms around her holding her tight to my chest. I'm rocking her slightly like I have seen her do so many times with a crying Apollo to sooth and clam him, hoping that it will have the same effect on her.  
..............................................................................................................................................  
Gwen's POV

He has been sitting here for who knows how long holding me, rocking me, telling me everything is going to be ok, that's he is here, and I'm safe. Finally I feel the tears subsiding, the sobs having stopped a little bit ago. I pull away slightly, just enough to wipe my eye and readjust myself in his lap to a more comfortable position. As the tears have stopped I feel him start to say something and then hesitate, before deciding to go ahead...

"Gwen tell me what happened? What's wrong? Your scaring me sunshine."

"Blake.." my voice breaks as I grip him tight "I... I.. I lost the baby. Blake I'm so sorry. The baby...." I break into sobs yet again. 

I feel him tense when I tell him. I feel the sob threaten to break his composure, but he fights it. He holds it together for me because I'm so broken. This man loves me so much he sets aside his feelings, his need to grieve, his need to cope all in order to take care of me. What I did to deserve him I don't know. Just like I don't know what we did to deserve this devastation. Haven't we been through enough? Haven't we had to deal with enough loss? Hasn't life thrown enough shit our way? I don't understand. 

"Shhhh, Gwen I'm right here. I know right now this seems to big but we will get through this. We have to...for the boys." 

I feel him take his cellphone out of his pocket and hear him typing. I feel the vibration letting me know that whoever he text responded. 

"Gwen I text Jen. She is coming to get the boys." 

"Blake I.... I can't.."

"Shhh Gwen she isn't coming up here she is gonna text me before they leave. I'm gonna go down and talk to the boys and then you and I are going to the doctor to get everything checked out. Ok?" 

"You can't leave me Blake. Please don't leave me." I cry out

"Shhh I'm not going anywhere sunshine. I'm not leaving you." His arms tighten around me as I hear the familiar ring of FaceTime. 

"King hey buddy. aunt Jen is coming to get you and your brothers, ok? Can u bring your brothers over to the iPad. Hi boys look, momma doesn't feel very good and right now she needs me to help take care of her so you guys are gonna go hangout with uncle Todd and aunt Jen ok?.." they must nod as he goes on "everything is gonna be ok and I'll be there to get you before bed."

"Blake is mommy gonna be ok?" I hear Zuma ask worried laced through his voice.

"Mommy will be ok Zuma I promise. I'm gonna take good care of her alright. I expect you boys to help me take care of her by being my good boys while your at uncles Todd's.   
I need you boys to be big strong boys for me." 

"I be big boy Blakey. Blakey kiss momma." Apollo says

"I'll give her a kiss for you, little man. Alright aunt Jen should be here soon so get you shoes and coats on. King help Apollo please." 

"I will. Tell mommy we love her and to get better. Love you Blake." 

"Love you buddy." He ends the call placing the phone on the floor wrapping that arm around me 

We sit there till we hear Jen come and take the boys. He starts to shift under me and I tighten my grip on him. I can't separate from him yet, he is the only thing holding me together. 

"Let's move to the bed Gwen. It's not good to sit on this hard floor"

Just then a shiver runs through my body.

"Plus it's a lot colder down here on the floor." 

He shifts out from underneath me and picks me up carrying me to the bed. 

"Gwen here unlock your phone so I can the number to the doctor. We need to get you in today."   
...............................................................................................................................................  
Next thing I know we are leaving the doctor, our nightmare confirmed. We lost our baby. My heart is literally broken. Blake and I sat there while the doctor talked, both of us crying. We held each other after she left to give us a minute, neither wanting to let go. As we leave the office hand in hand I look at Blake's tear stained face and it feels like I have fallen back into that hole. I mean what were we thinking that we could meet as the most perfect time in our lives to save each other and live happily ever after? This isn't a movie or a song, it's real life and real life just keeps raining down. 

"Blake can we go get the boys?" 

"Are you sure Gwen? If you need more time we can get them after dinner."

"I really just need my babies right now."

"Ok we can stop and get pizza for dinner." 

"Yeah that sounds good a movie night." 

I reach across the center console for Blake's hand. 

"It's not fair. We have been through so much and we finally got to a happy place and then this happens. I finally felt happy content with where life was going."

"I know sunshine. I'm not sure why we are going through this but I have to believe there is a bigger plan." 

His thumb is stroking the top of my hand. I close eyes and try to focus on that rather than on this nightmare. The need to hold my babies is so strong I'm having a hard time sitting still. I open my eyes again as we pull into Todd's drive way. We just sit there for a minute looking at each other, knowing the moment we have the boys with us we can't be sad and upset. His hand reaches up and caresses my cheek. Tears begin to fall again from both of our eyes. 

"We are going to be ok Gwen right? Please don't leave me. I can't loose you."

The fear is laced through his voice, shown through eyes, and felt in the tension wrapped in his body. If my heart wasn't broken into the smallest pieces, it is now. It's my turn to hold him. I crawl across the console and sit in his lap. I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight to me as he breaks. Sobs wreck his body and I just hold him. I sit there holding him until he begins to calm and the sobs subside. I pull back and my hands go to his cheeks, stroking them with my thumbs. 

"Blake I don't know why this is happening to us and it's not fair, but I would never leave you because of this. It's not your fault, if anyone can be blamed it me. I'm the one who was carrying the baby not you." I look down taking my hands off his face. 

Hi finger comes under my chin and lifts it to lock his lips with mine. It was a dirty or sloppy kiss, but one that tells the other that you love them no matter what happens. It reassures the other your not going anywhere. We finally break our lips and I lean my head against his chest arms wrapped around his waist, his arms wrapped around me and his head on top of my head. We stay there for a minute before Blake breaks the silence. 

"Sunshine look." 

I look toward to house where Blake is pointing and all I see is three little heads poking out clearly waiting for us and wondering why we haven't come in yet. We both laugh and begin getting out of the car to go get our boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's sad but I hope you like it. Your comments mean a lot! Thanks


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